What a slacker I am!

Whew it's been a little bit since I've made a post! And so much has happened in the mean time.

We took Chenda to an appointment at the Shriners Hospital to see an Orthopedist. She's crazy in-toed (pigeon toed) and trips on herself constantly. Basically we were told that she is turned in at all three locations that can cause in-toeing (usually kids have it in either hips, knees or ankle...she is in all three). The said it should get better over time but will probably get worse before it's better and if it doesn't improve significantly the only thing to do is surgery. They don't do braces anymore because they found that they don't solve the problem correctly and often the child feels like they are being punished when in them. So in about a year we are to take her back if things are the same/worse and take it from there.

Kali is developing before our eyes! she now has TWO teeth (I have no photos because they aren't up far enough to see in the camera yet), and is starting to sit up like a champ! Still not overly interested in rolling over, but she really doesn't need to because she gets around just fine (thank you very much) by scooting herself backward. She can cross a room doing that! Unfortunatly it's not helping that bald spot on the back of her head!

I took her to her six month check up last week and she weighed in at 18 lb and 17.25 inches long. She's about a half inch longer and a pound lighter then her big sister was at this age. She did great in the appointment and the doctor said she looks great and is doing everything they want her to be at this age.

Making baby food for her has been going great and is really enjoyable for me. So far I have made her sweet potatoes, apples, and butternut squash, and I'm going to try some more new things next week. She is eating great and I'm about to put her on more meals a day since she's really gotten the hang of it!

On the mommy side - I'm finally going to get serious about making my bows. Hopefully one day I can make a full fledged business out of it (I would love to own a baby boutique shop), but for now I will be selling on Etsy. I don't have it all set up just yet and when I do I need to make some stuff to post and sell, but I am really excited. In the mean time I am going to make a few for a great organization a friend of mine founded up in Canada called Made By Momma. They help mothers and their babies in times of need...illness, post partum struggles, etc. They do it all free of charge and in their short time have helped so many women! I am so excited to make them, they will be giving the bows to a few of the mothers with little girls who are having a rough time.

www.madebymomma.org

So that's the update for now! Hopefully I won't be such a slacker in the future!

Six Months Already?!

Today marks my little baby bean's six month "birthday". I can't believe it has already been six months. It feels like just yesterday she was being placed in my arms for the first time. I thought it would only be appropriate to tell the story of how little Kali came to be:

As you read from an earlier post, I became pregnant just a few months after a very devastating loss of the pregnancy before. I was very happy and excited, as was Chan, and we spent the first few weeks looking forward to what was to come. I was a bit apprehensive having just had the loss, but I was still happy.

The next few weeks pretty much went off without a hitch. I decided to wait to tell anyone but close family until we had our first ultrasound at ten weeks, but then around six weeks decided I couldn't take it anymore and made my announcement. Then at the beginning of my 8th week I started to get a bad feeling about things. It was weird, I just knew something wasn't right, something was going to happen. Which takes us to Easter weekend...

The day before Easter I was feeling really nervous. I knew something was wrong, I knew it was to do with the pregnancy but I didn't know what it was. I just walked around with this terrible feeling, trying to ignore it. It wasn't until we were in church that night and I was able to sit there and think about it that it got really overwhelming. Sitting there in the sermon on the verge of a panic attack I remembered a little saying that I found on a support forum after my last loss:

God does not instill a desire within your heart without intending to fulfill it. Wait on him and you will see your dreams come alive.

I sat there, closed my eyes and repeated that in my head through the whole sermon. In fact, walking out of church that day I probably wouldn't be able to even tell you what the pastor had said because I was concentrating so much on that. After church Chan and I stopped at the store and then headed to my parents for Chinese food. I got my food, sat down and started eating, and then felt something. I ran to the bathroom and low and behold, I was bleeding....again....and a lot. Like, a LOT! So here I was trying to keep it together, I got things under control and went back to sit at the table but couldn't keep it together long and went back to the bathroom and started crying.

I remember thinking "oh not again!", I told my mom I felt stupid for crying because I thought it wouldn't be so hard this time around to loose another pregnancy. I felt stupid too, because I was crying in front of my WHOLE family, but I know they didn't care that I did. Chan and I decided to go home, and I spent the night praying for a miracle. What better weekend for a miracle then Easter weekend, after all..right??

Easter came and went and by then I was pretty much at peace that things could be going horribly wrong. Monday I called my midwife and they got me in that day for an ultrasound. Chan and I went in and I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be shown what I thought was happening. We waited for someone to call us and I told Chan I'd rather be going in for a root canal (and if you know me you know that's saying something!) but eventually we were called and went back into the small room. The technician put the little ultrasound wand to my belly and I saw the baby...and a little flicker in her chest! I started to get excited but stopped myself since he hadn't said anything yet. then the most wonderful words ever! "well, you're still pregnant!"

STILL PREGNANT!

I sighed out loud and he let us look a little longer while he tried to figure out what had happened. Turns out I had a Subchorionic Hemorrhage. Which is basically a pool of blood behind the placenta that forms when something doesn't attach right in the first few days of pregnancy. I just had to take it easy for a while and everything would be fine! I had my miracle....

The rest of the pregnancy went text-book great, although after the scare I found it really hard to connect, to bond. People would tell me congratulations and I would say thanks all the while thinking "but we'll see what happens" in my head. It wasn't until almost mid way through the pregnancy that I was listening to the radio and the song "Halo" by Beyonce (I know it's cheesy but I'm being serious here) came on, and I listened to every word of the song. It was the first time I had heard it, and while I'm well aware this song isn't about babies or anything like that, it just made sense to me. As I was hearing the words it was like God was telling me to let go and really love this child with all of my heart and not just the part that was comfortable with it. And so I did...

The day she was born was a day of excitement and anticipation. We went into the hospital where I was going to be induced, but I was already 4cm and having regular contractions so it really didn't take a lot to really get things going. I labored hard for a few hours, then at about 6cm requested an epidural. The epidural came when I was about 9cm. No it didn't take that long, that's just how fast my labors are. I literally got it, laid down, and felt that it was time to push. And so I did....twice....and there she was, placed on my belly and into my arms. My little survivor, my angel, my Kali.









Halo -Beyonce...
Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo

Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light

I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again

Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away

What a Wonderful Weekend!

This past weekend, as everyone knows, was Mother's Day. It's such a fun day in our family. The husbands plan a dinner which usually ends up being burgers (what a great weekend for it too! Pretty much the only decent weather this year for eating outside), and then we all sit together in the living room and give each other a gift. This year we had to have Mother's Day at my parent's house a day early, but it was still just as special.

Sunday, which was actual Mother's Day, was a great day as well. The first 2/3 of the day I spent at work though, which was not exactly how I would have liked to spend it but I had a nice day talking with everyone at work and sharing silly stories of our kids.

I had told Chan not to get me anything, but couldn't help himself and when he dropped me off for work for the day I gave him a list of three things I wanted. When he picked me up and brought me home, he told me to grab something out of the trunk, and it was a shoe box! He bought be some beautiful new shoes that I had been wanting but didn't want to buy for myself (I have issues spending money on me, as most mothers do I think). After that we went out for a nice steak dinner and then came home to watch Sherlock Holmes, which I had been wanting to see but we never made it out to the theater when it had been released. The kids had gone to bed early, and I enjoyed a nice glass of syrah while we watched it. Then we were both so sleepy we crashed right after.

I got some other great gifts from family, shoes from my mom, starbucks cards from my sisters (the best gift for a mom!) and two great cookbooks from my sister in law. But of course, the greatest gift of all the the reason I get to celebrate in the first place, my beautiful baby girls! I don't even know who I would be if they weren't here. And my wonderful husband who is the best husband and father ever!

All in all it was the perfect Mother's Day (minus the having to work part).

Memories and the Bonds of Sisterhood

To have a loving relationship with a sister is not simply to have a buddy or a confident -- it is to have a soul mate for life.
-- Victoria Secunda

You know, nothing beats two napping babies and a cup of coffee in the late afternoon, with dinner simmering away on the stove just begging to be eaten. I'm not going to eat it now, of course, it's still raw..But oh how it smells delicious already! The house is clean, laundry chugging away upstairs, and I am feeling at peace in all the peace and quiet.

It's times like these that I just take a look around at all the blessings of my life and smile. I wonder what my little ones are dreaming of and hope that it is of only good things. Jelly beans and butterflies for Chenda and, well, I can't say what Kali might be dreaming of since she can't talk of her favorite things yet, but maybe something along the lines of sugar and spice and everything nice?!

It was the other night when I was laying in bed with Chenda trying to get her to fall asleep for the night. She closed her eyes and cuddled me and layed her head in the crook of my arm, and I thought back to when she was a baby. The way she used to shake her head just to keep herself awake. How, when she finally lost the battle to keep her eyes open, she fit so perfectly in that same part of my arm that she was laying in just now. The same place her baby sister lies just in just the same way... She still fits perfectly, just in a different way. She's much bigger now!

So I was laying there in the warm light of her night light thinking back to those days when she was so small. Just a couple of years have passed, and yet even though they flew by in no time, they seem so long ago. I tried to think of what the next two years would bring, how I would remember today...and though we never know how things will pan out, I prayed it will only be happy times coming our way.

She made my heart happy today when she kissed her baby sister on the cheek over and over and said "I lah you baby!". I'm sure you can guess what that means. I am so happy she has a sister to share her life with just the same way I did (I have two wonderful beautiful sisters who are my best friends). Things got off to a rocky start, as they almost always do when a new baby is brought into a family. Chan and I spent a few nights breaking up "fights" between them, snuffing out fits because she was receiving less attention. But that only lasted a short time and now she is so proud of her baby, making sure EVERYONE knows she is hers by kissing her on the cheek in public and every once in a while giving her a territorial "love tap" on the head *insert eye roll here*.

Kali loves her big sister too, she's always cracking up at the crazy things Chenda will to do make her laugh. Today Chenda was laughing extra silly because it made baby sister smile and giggle. The first thing either of them want in the morning is to see each other. I lay Chenda next to the baby and she touches her face and says "Hi baby! Hi Kali!" and baby just looks at her and smiles. It's true sisterhood is a bond of friendship from birth. Of course I know this in my own experience but it is so amazing to watch it come to life before my eyes. At such a young age they know they are meant to love one another and be friends.

My greatest prayer for them as sisters is that they will always be there for each other, even long after their parents are gone. Of course there will be fights, I know how it goes, one of them takes the other's make up on a weekend trip out of town (oh yeah Katie, I still remember that), or takes something out of the others closet (a large downside to being practically the same size as your siblings). But I pray that even when the dramas of female life is being slung at them, they will stand beside each other, and kiss and make up when they argue. I pray they will walk head on into the world hand in hand looking after one another through thick and thin, turbulence and clear blue skies.

The bond of sisterhood is one that is strong and unwavering when it is fed appropriately, and I fully intend on feeding theirs until it is so fat it can't get up and walk away.


A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life.
-- Isadora James

Do you Believe in Signs??

So I've been a bit stressed out and down on myself lately.

Recently I have had friends tell me I am "supermom". A title which I definitely don't feel like I live up to. I don't TRY to, so whenever someone says that I feel that little chuckle inside that says "yeah, if they only knew you are nowhere NEAR that!" And this is where I get down on myself.

The house is always a mess (not like gross, but you know, I have two kids, a husband and two dogs), the laundry is never caught up, I work too much, I don't spend enough time with the kids, I don't make enough money, I don't do enough for my husband, I don't do enough for me, I don't do enough to help others, etc etc etc...

All of these things spin around in my head almost constantly and bog me down, stress me out. It's a bit overwhelming. I've been praying for help, something to tell me what to do, how to de-stress my life. And you know what I get?! All of a sudden out of no where I have this desire to do volunteer work.

So I'm sitting here thinking about this one night, like "Ok God, I know you have a grand plan, but I don't know how you expect me to pull this off". I mean, I know they say God never gives you more then you can handle, but I sometimes wonder if he severely overestimates my abilities (and psychological capacity at that). Every night I have been praying about this. Not just the volunteer work (which I have decided to wait a bit till the baby is a older to start on that one), but on all the rest of it. All those other things that I feel like I don't do well enough...

Fast forward to today, and I get a package in the mail. It was actually some things I ordered for my cloth diapers which makes this even more obvious that it's no coincidence. I'm opening the package and I get to the packing receipt and stapled to it is a little card with a poem and a verse on it:

God's love is always with you
His promises are true.
And when you give your cares to him,
Just trust - He'll see you through

Cast your cares upon the Lord and he will sustain you
Psalm 55:22

Ok ok, I can take a hint. So this is the answer to my prayers...It's not twice as much money at half the hours, not a miraculously clean house or folded laundry, it's a reminder. A reminder of who is in control and that all I need to do is remember that, pray, and trust that things will work out as they should. I don't need to be overwhelmed at all the things that I sometimes think I don't do well enough.

And when I am feeling that voice in my head, that little chuckle that mocks me and tells me what I am doing isn't good enough: I just need to stop, take a breath and tell it to quiet down.

Because I may not be supermom, but I am the best mom I know how to be...And that is just fine with me.

The Ones who Never Were....

Forget me Not
"My little one You have left us too soon
Though my body can no longer hold you I hold you forever in my heart
As precious and beautiful as this flower caught in time
A mother's love does not forget"
~Kimberly de Montbrun



There are many things in this life that we don't expect. I never thought I would be one of those people who loose a pregnancy, let alone two of them. These are the stories of those little ones who I carried for a short time, but will love for the rest of my life:

November 2006 was when i got my first positive pregnancy test ever (and a few more after that)! It was faint but being that it was the first and something I always wanted, I told everyone I knew right away. I had no idea that in a few days time I would have to tell everyone I had lost it. I will spare the gorey details but I woke up one morning (November 19th to be exact...you don't forget these dates) and knew what was happening. Unsure of what to do being that I had never been pregnant before I just called in to work and stayed home with Chan that day. I cried a little, it was a huge blow. I had only just found out I was pregnant a few days earlier and hadn't really had a chance to enjoy the thought and here I was looking up what to do in the event of a loss. This all happened on a Sunday so I couldn't call the doctor (well I could but I didn't know about the on-call nurse at the time). Every time I heard of someone getting pregnant I cried. I hated even to look at a pregnant woman for a couple months, I couldn't figure out why everyone had it so easy but me. After not too long I started to feel better. I can't say I got over it easily but it did get easier over time. They say what you don't know can't hurt you, and I had no idea what I was missing... I had hope that we would try again and it would work, and it did. Almost one year later I gave birth to my first baby girl.

When Chenda was about 11 months old I became pregnant again. Chan had just left for hunting and I took a test on a whim not expecting much but extremely excited to get a positive test! Once again I shared the news with everyone. I really can't keep this stuff to myself. Things went perfectly through Chan and Chenda's birthdays, through Thanksgiving and the first week of December. I couldn't wait for Christmas and also couldn't help but think that just one year later we would be sharing the holidays as a family of four.

I had a dream one night...I was walking through the snow with Chenda to my right, and another child to my left and we were holding hands. Chenda was about as old in this dream as she is now...The other child was a little boy, about a year old and a few months. I knew instinctively although I had never seen this child in real life that he was mine. I rememver vividly what he was wearing...Little jeans with a blue "plush" winter coat, black mittens with the strings that thread through the jacket so they don't get lost, and a black beanie with the ear flaps and a ball at the top of the head. He was perfect, he looked just like his big sister...just like his daddy. None of us said anything as we walked, hand in had through the snow and into the distance......

The next day I started bleeding, a few days later I found out I would miscarry, and a few more days later (after a very long and painful Monday) it was all over. That's one thing you don't expect is how painful a natural miscarriage is. It's like labor but without the happy ending. This loss affected me much more then the first. I didn't just cry a little I went into a full on depression that lasted a couple months. I cried almost daily, sat alone on the couch and didn't sleep well for weeks. I'm still not sure why this was so much worse this time...Maybe it was because this was a painful "delivery" where I could see everything where as the last was more just like my time of the month, or because I was almost 3 months along in this pregnancy as opposed to just a couple weeks like the last. I had more time to fall in love... Maybe it was because, unlike the first time, I knew what I was missing out on. I knew what it was like to hold my baby in my arms and this wouldn't come to that. Or a combination of all of those. I was angry that God would let me see that beautiful little boy in the dream only to rip the dream away days later, I didn't understand why. I still don't but I'm not angry anymore...Maybe it was for me to remember something happy from it. Even now as I write this I can't think of it without tears.....

There was one thing different about this loss, I wasn't angry when I saw a pregnant woman after this one. I realised that maybe it wasn't so easy for everyone after all...Maybe they went through all the same things I did and would now feel the joy of being a mother like I was now doing with Chenda. I felt happy for them, I felt content that I would have another chance to give her a sibling, and my husband another little one to love, and I started to feel better. It took six long weeks for my blood tests from the doctor to read "not pregnant" and we were able to try again. Happily we were blessed not long after with the news that baby Kali was on her way!

This is a poem that helped me through...

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked, “What makes a Mother?” And I know I heard him say.
“A Mother has a baby, This we know is true.”
But God, can you be a Mother When your baby's not with you?
“Yes, you can,” He replied With confidence in His voice
“I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay.”
I just don't understand this, God I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat And then I saw a tear.
“ I wish I could show you What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile With other children and say
‘We go to earth to learn our lessons Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly My mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here.’
So you see my dear sweet one Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home They'll be at the gates for you.”
So now you see what makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother, Until their time is done.They'll be up here with Me one day And know that you're the best one

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day. Light a candle that day in memory of those little angels

Milestones, and Other Fun Times!

Over the past couple weeks there have been some great milestones in the world of little baby Kali. This is an amazing age, as she is going from a snugly little baby who doesn't do much, to an older infant (still snugly though!) who is learning, reacting, and growing in leaps an bounds!

For one she rolled over for the first time yesterday! Of course we couldn't get a video of it because you know once you get out the camera they stop doing whatever it is they were doing before. I was at work but Chan called me and shared the news! It's very exciting. She has made many attempts before but this was the first one all on her own.
Kali has also started sitting up!! She needs someone to sit her straight but can usually hold herself up for a little while.

Solid foods (and by solid I mean rice cereal with carrot puree) is the most recent introduction to Kali's diet. She likes it pretty well I suppose. She looks at me sometimes like "what are you doing?! Just give me to boob!" but she still eats it. We aren't quite at a point where she's getting 2-3 meals of 'solids' but she's got a pretty good introduction to it I think! I am currently on the lookout for some ice cube trays so I can get going on making her home made baby foods. I'm pretty excited. Baby food is getting expensive so I'm happy to save money that way and also knowing that I can experiment more with different flavors of food.

And then there's Chenda! This little girl never fails to crack me up!! Her most recent shenanigan is turning all of her crayons into lipstick. The other day she put some of this "lipstick" on and then fell asleep for the night. I didn't want to wake her to wipe it off so I just put her to bed and figured I would take care of it when she woke up in the morning. Needless to say it looked like the Joker was in our bed in the morning!

Chenda's new favorite dance is the Robot Dance. Yes, my two year old does the Robot Dance thanks to the Disney Channel, and today she was teaching her baby sister to do it by moving her arms and legs around. I was cracking up, and of course I had to join in and do the Robot myself. One day I'm going to have to get that on video.

So that is the most recent fun we are having in our home! I can tell you one thing there is never a dull moment with these two little ones constantly learning, growing and running around doing silly things.