The Ones who Never Were....

Forget me Not
"My little one You have left us too soon
Though my body can no longer hold you I hold you forever in my heart
As precious and beautiful as this flower caught in time
A mother's love does not forget"
~Kimberly de Montbrun



There are many things in this life that we don't expect. I never thought I would be one of those people who loose a pregnancy, let alone two of them. These are the stories of those little ones who I carried for a short time, but will love for the rest of my life:

November 2006 was when i got my first positive pregnancy test ever (and a few more after that)! It was faint but being that it was the first and something I always wanted, I told everyone I knew right away. I had no idea that in a few days time I would have to tell everyone I had lost it. I will spare the gorey details but I woke up one morning (November 19th to be exact...you don't forget these dates) and knew what was happening. Unsure of what to do being that I had never been pregnant before I just called in to work and stayed home with Chan that day. I cried a little, it was a huge blow. I had only just found out I was pregnant a few days earlier and hadn't really had a chance to enjoy the thought and here I was looking up what to do in the event of a loss. This all happened on a Sunday so I couldn't call the doctor (well I could but I didn't know about the on-call nurse at the time). Every time I heard of someone getting pregnant I cried. I hated even to look at a pregnant woman for a couple months, I couldn't figure out why everyone had it so easy but me. After not too long I started to feel better. I can't say I got over it easily but it did get easier over time. They say what you don't know can't hurt you, and I had no idea what I was missing... I had hope that we would try again and it would work, and it did. Almost one year later I gave birth to my first baby girl.

When Chenda was about 11 months old I became pregnant again. Chan had just left for hunting and I took a test on a whim not expecting much but extremely excited to get a positive test! Once again I shared the news with everyone. I really can't keep this stuff to myself. Things went perfectly through Chan and Chenda's birthdays, through Thanksgiving and the first week of December. I couldn't wait for Christmas and also couldn't help but think that just one year later we would be sharing the holidays as a family of four.

I had a dream one night...I was walking through the snow with Chenda to my right, and another child to my left and we were holding hands. Chenda was about as old in this dream as she is now...The other child was a little boy, about a year old and a few months. I knew instinctively although I had never seen this child in real life that he was mine. I rememver vividly what he was wearing...Little jeans with a blue "plush" winter coat, black mittens with the strings that thread through the jacket so they don't get lost, and a black beanie with the ear flaps and a ball at the top of the head. He was perfect, he looked just like his big sister...just like his daddy. None of us said anything as we walked, hand in had through the snow and into the distance......

The next day I started bleeding, a few days later I found out I would miscarry, and a few more days later (after a very long and painful Monday) it was all over. That's one thing you don't expect is how painful a natural miscarriage is. It's like labor but without the happy ending. This loss affected me much more then the first. I didn't just cry a little I went into a full on depression that lasted a couple months. I cried almost daily, sat alone on the couch and didn't sleep well for weeks. I'm still not sure why this was so much worse this time...Maybe it was because this was a painful "delivery" where I could see everything where as the last was more just like my time of the month, or because I was almost 3 months along in this pregnancy as opposed to just a couple weeks like the last. I had more time to fall in love... Maybe it was because, unlike the first time, I knew what I was missing out on. I knew what it was like to hold my baby in my arms and this wouldn't come to that. Or a combination of all of those. I was angry that God would let me see that beautiful little boy in the dream only to rip the dream away days later, I didn't understand why. I still don't but I'm not angry anymore...Maybe it was for me to remember something happy from it. Even now as I write this I can't think of it without tears.....

There was one thing different about this loss, I wasn't angry when I saw a pregnant woman after this one. I realised that maybe it wasn't so easy for everyone after all...Maybe they went through all the same things I did and would now feel the joy of being a mother like I was now doing with Chenda. I felt happy for them, I felt content that I would have another chance to give her a sibling, and my husband another little one to love, and I started to feel better. It took six long weeks for my blood tests from the doctor to read "not pregnant" and we were able to try again. Happily we were blessed not long after with the news that baby Kali was on her way!

This is a poem that helped me through...

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked, “What makes a Mother?” And I know I heard him say.
“A Mother has a baby, This we know is true.”
But God, can you be a Mother When your baby's not with you?
“Yes, you can,” He replied With confidence in His voice
“I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay.”
I just don't understand this, God I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat And then I saw a tear.
“ I wish I could show you What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile With other children and say
‘We go to earth to learn our lessons Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly My mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here.’
So you see my dear sweet one Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home They'll be at the gates for you.”
So now you see what makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother, Until their time is done.They'll be up here with Me one day And know that you're the best one

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day. Light a candle that day in memory of those little angels

Milestones, and Other Fun Times!

Over the past couple weeks there have been some great milestones in the world of little baby Kali. This is an amazing age, as she is going from a snugly little baby who doesn't do much, to an older infant (still snugly though!) who is learning, reacting, and growing in leaps an bounds!

For one she rolled over for the first time yesterday! Of course we couldn't get a video of it because you know once you get out the camera they stop doing whatever it is they were doing before. I was at work but Chan called me and shared the news! It's very exciting. She has made many attempts before but this was the first one all on her own.
Kali has also started sitting up!! She needs someone to sit her straight but can usually hold herself up for a little while.

Solid foods (and by solid I mean rice cereal with carrot puree) is the most recent introduction to Kali's diet. She likes it pretty well I suppose. She looks at me sometimes like "what are you doing?! Just give me to boob!" but she still eats it. We aren't quite at a point where she's getting 2-3 meals of 'solids' but she's got a pretty good introduction to it I think! I am currently on the lookout for some ice cube trays so I can get going on making her home made baby foods. I'm pretty excited. Baby food is getting expensive so I'm happy to save money that way and also knowing that I can experiment more with different flavors of food.

And then there's Chenda! This little girl never fails to crack me up!! Her most recent shenanigan is turning all of her crayons into lipstick. The other day she put some of this "lipstick" on and then fell asleep for the night. I didn't want to wake her to wipe it off so I just put her to bed and figured I would take care of it when she woke up in the morning. Needless to say it looked like the Joker was in our bed in the morning!

Chenda's new favorite dance is the Robot Dance. Yes, my two year old does the Robot Dance thanks to the Disney Channel, and today she was teaching her baby sister to do it by moving her arms and legs around. I was cracking up, and of course I had to join in and do the Robot myself. One day I'm going to have to get that on video.

So that is the most recent fun we are having in our home! I can tell you one thing there is never a dull moment with these two little ones constantly learning, growing and running around doing silly things.

It seems today is Earth Day!

I swear I'm so spacey, I didn't even realise it. There is so much we have been doing lately (and some stuff we've always done) to be more earth concious.

*For one we have always kept a garden in the summer. We grow everything from herbs to tomatoes to lettuce and everything in between. It's more Chan's project: I've never been much of a gardener...But I do enjoy helping out by cooking all those delicious veggies!! This year I intend on being better about par-cooking and freezing the veggies that can withstand it so that we can enjoy them for a longer period of time.
*We switched Kali to cloth diapers. Fuzzi Bunz to be exact. I love them...They save me money and they save the landfill from not only more diapers that will take centuries to decompose, but it keeps the human waste out *yuck* and in the sewer system where it belongs.
*Started using natural cleaning agents. We have been using 7th Generation cleaning products. I love them. I have always been one of those people who is paranoid about setting stuff on the tables or counters that would go in to the kids' mouths. Now I dont have to worry so much anymore. We also wash our clothes in cold water, and I clean the hard floors with a steam mop. It not only doesn't need chemical cleaners but works off straight tap water and gets hot enough to sanitize the floors.
*Chan's car will very soon be able to run off E-90 Flex Fuel. I'll bo honest I dont really know what that means, but I do know it burns way cleaner then regular fuel (and on another good note costs less then $2 a gallon)
*Keep lights off during the day...This will be much easier when the sun decides to come out, but we can still keep it minimal.
*I will very soon be making all of Kali's baby food out of organic fruits and veggies (and when our garden is ready out of veggies right out of our backyard!)

So those are the things we do to help the environment (and our wallets too really!) What do you do?? I think it's important no matter what you feel about global warming to do your part to help the Earth. After all, we only have one home and just as we all want to keep our houses clean we should also want to keep the world outside clean as well, as we need the world to sustain us all.

An Introduction...

And so, here I am. I gave in and decided to give this whole Blog thing a go...Generally I'm no good at these things, but I am determined to keep up on this. I suppose the best place to start would be an introduction:

I am Breanna. Wife, sister, daughter and mother of two. I have lived in basically the same place my entire life and really can't imagine living anywhere else. I have many hobbies, most of which I actually have no time to participate in anymore, but it makes enjoying those things that much sweeter.

My husband of the last *almost* four years is Chan. He is, as I like to so eloquently put it, "the butter to my bread, the bread to my life"...ok ok so I got that off the movie Julie & Julia, but it states how I feel to a T. Without him my life would be a hollow shell of what it is.

And then there are the kiddos. They are the most beautiful, silly little girls there ever was. So yes, I am probably biased but who wouldn't be?!


Chenda is the oldest and almost 2 1/2. Talk about a fire cracker! She can run circles around you all day, keep you on your toes, and make you feel so loved all at the same time. She loves play dough, basketball, having her finger and toe nails painted, balloons, and apparently as I have learned recently, eating dog treats and washing her hands in the toilet. For the last one, don't worry, we have implemented the necessary tools to combat this (a toilet lock from babies R us). She is a spunky little two year old. Saying the cutest things, singing songs with all the wrong words, and throwing fits when she doesn't get her way. Sometimes, all I can do is sit back and laugh at all the crazy things she does. But at the same time, all it takes is one kiss and one "ah-yooo mommy (love you mommy)" to make the worst day turn around in an instant.


Kaliyan (Kali) is the newest addition to our little family at 5 1/2 months old. She is one of those little ones that you can look in her eyes and tell she's lived at least a few lifetimes. An "old soul" as they say. As much as I love her baby-ness I am so interested to see how she grows and how her personality unfolds. Don't get me wrong, she loves to laugh and play too, in fact she laughed for the first time at just one week old! But you just can't help but smile when she looks at you. Kali loves her big sister and they often share long conversations that only they can understand.

So with that I begin this little diary of my many adventures with these loves of my life...Motherhood has been the most rewarding, terrifying, joyous, tiring, anxiety ridden, fun, and enlightening experience of my life...And I am loving every minute of it!