The Ones who Never Were....

Forget me Not
"My little one You have left us too soon
Though my body can no longer hold you I hold you forever in my heart
As precious and beautiful as this flower caught in time
A mother's love does not forget"
~Kimberly de Montbrun



There are many things in this life that we don't expect. I never thought I would be one of those people who loose a pregnancy, let alone two of them. These are the stories of those little ones who I carried for a short time, but will love for the rest of my life:

November 2006 was when i got my first positive pregnancy test ever (and a few more after that)! It was faint but being that it was the first and something I always wanted, I told everyone I knew right away. I had no idea that in a few days time I would have to tell everyone I had lost it. I will spare the gorey details but I woke up one morning (November 19th to be exact...you don't forget these dates) and knew what was happening. Unsure of what to do being that I had never been pregnant before I just called in to work and stayed home with Chan that day. I cried a little, it was a huge blow. I had only just found out I was pregnant a few days earlier and hadn't really had a chance to enjoy the thought and here I was looking up what to do in the event of a loss. This all happened on a Sunday so I couldn't call the doctor (well I could but I didn't know about the on-call nurse at the time). Every time I heard of someone getting pregnant I cried. I hated even to look at a pregnant woman for a couple months, I couldn't figure out why everyone had it so easy but me. After not too long I started to feel better. I can't say I got over it easily but it did get easier over time. They say what you don't know can't hurt you, and I had no idea what I was missing... I had hope that we would try again and it would work, and it did. Almost one year later I gave birth to my first baby girl.

When Chenda was about 11 months old I became pregnant again. Chan had just left for hunting and I took a test on a whim not expecting much but extremely excited to get a positive test! Once again I shared the news with everyone. I really can't keep this stuff to myself. Things went perfectly through Chan and Chenda's birthdays, through Thanksgiving and the first week of December. I couldn't wait for Christmas and also couldn't help but think that just one year later we would be sharing the holidays as a family of four.

I had a dream one night...I was walking through the snow with Chenda to my right, and another child to my left and we were holding hands. Chenda was about as old in this dream as she is now...The other child was a little boy, about a year old and a few months. I knew instinctively although I had never seen this child in real life that he was mine. I rememver vividly what he was wearing...Little jeans with a blue "plush" winter coat, black mittens with the strings that thread through the jacket so they don't get lost, and a black beanie with the ear flaps and a ball at the top of the head. He was perfect, he looked just like his big sister...just like his daddy. None of us said anything as we walked, hand in had through the snow and into the distance......

The next day I started bleeding, a few days later I found out I would miscarry, and a few more days later (after a very long and painful Monday) it was all over. That's one thing you don't expect is how painful a natural miscarriage is. It's like labor but without the happy ending. This loss affected me much more then the first. I didn't just cry a little I went into a full on depression that lasted a couple months. I cried almost daily, sat alone on the couch and didn't sleep well for weeks. I'm still not sure why this was so much worse this time...Maybe it was because this was a painful "delivery" where I could see everything where as the last was more just like my time of the month, or because I was almost 3 months along in this pregnancy as opposed to just a couple weeks like the last. I had more time to fall in love... Maybe it was because, unlike the first time, I knew what I was missing out on. I knew what it was like to hold my baby in my arms and this wouldn't come to that. Or a combination of all of those. I was angry that God would let me see that beautiful little boy in the dream only to rip the dream away days later, I didn't understand why. I still don't but I'm not angry anymore...Maybe it was for me to remember something happy from it. Even now as I write this I can't think of it without tears.....

There was one thing different about this loss, I wasn't angry when I saw a pregnant woman after this one. I realised that maybe it wasn't so easy for everyone after all...Maybe they went through all the same things I did and would now feel the joy of being a mother like I was now doing with Chenda. I felt happy for them, I felt content that I would have another chance to give her a sibling, and my husband another little one to love, and I started to feel better. It took six long weeks for my blood tests from the doctor to read "not pregnant" and we were able to try again. Happily we were blessed not long after with the news that baby Kali was on her way!

This is a poem that helped me through...

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked, “What makes a Mother?” And I know I heard him say.
“A Mother has a baby, This we know is true.”
But God, can you be a Mother When your baby's not with you?
“Yes, you can,” He replied With confidence in His voice
“I give many women babies, When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, But there's no need to stay.”
I just don't understand this, God I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat And then I saw a tear.
“ I wish I could show you What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile With other children and say
‘We go to earth to learn our lessons Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly My mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today I'm your baby and I'm here.’
So you see my dear sweet one Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home They'll be at the gates for you.”
So now you see what makes a Mother It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother, Until their time is done.They'll be up here with Me one day And know that you're the best one

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day. Light a candle that day in memory of those little angels