As you read from an earlier post, I became pregnant just a few months after a very devastating loss of the pregnancy before. I was very happy and excited, as was Chan, and we spent the first few weeks looking forward to what was to come. I was a bit apprehensive having just had the loss, but I was still happy.
The next few weeks pretty much went off without a hitch. I decided to wait to tell anyone but close family until we had our first ultrasound at ten weeks, but then around six weeks decided I couldn't take it anymore and made my announcement. Then at the beginning of my 8th week I started to get a bad feeling about things. It was weird, I just knew something wasn't right, something was going to happen. Which takes us to Easter weekend...
The day before Easter I was feeling really nervous. I knew something was wrong, I knew it was to do with the pregnancy but I didn't know what it was. I just walked around with this terrible feeling, trying to ignore it. It wasn't until we were in church that night and I was able to sit there and think about it that it got really overwhelming. Sitting there in the sermon on the verge of a panic attack I remembered a little saying that I found on a support forum after my last loss:
God does not instill a desire within your heart without intending to fulfill it. Wait on him and you will see your dreams come alive.
I sat there, closed my eyes and repeated that in my head through the whole sermon. In fact, walking out of church that day I probably wouldn't be able to even tell you what the pastor had said because I was concentrating so much on that. After church Chan and I stopped at the store and then headed to my parents for Chinese food. I got my food, sat down and started eating, and then felt something. I ran to the bathroom and low and behold, I was bleeding....again....and a lot. Like, a LOT! So here I was trying to keep it together, I got things under control and went back to sit at the table but couldn't keep it together long and went back to the bathroom and started crying.
I remember thinking "oh not again!", I told my mom I felt stupid for crying because I thought it wouldn't be so hard this time around to loose another pregnancy. I felt stupid too, because I was crying in front of my WHOLE family, but I know they didn't care that I did. Chan and I decided to go home, and I spent the night praying for a miracle. What better weekend for a miracle then Easter weekend, after all..right??
Easter came and went and by then I was pretty much at peace that things could be going horribly wrong. Monday I called my midwife and they got me in that day for an ultrasound. Chan and I went in and I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be shown what I thought was happening. We waited for someone to call us and I told Chan I'd rather be going in for a root canal (and if you know me you know that's saying something!) but eventually we were called and went back into the small room. The technician put the little ultrasound wand to my belly and I saw the baby...and a little flicker in her chest! I started to get excited but stopped myself since he hadn't said anything yet. then the most wonderful words ever! "well, you're still pregnant!"
STILL PREGNANT!
I sighed out loud and he let us look a little longer while he tried to figure out what had happened. Turns out I had a Subchorionic Hemorrhage. Which is basically a pool of blood behind the placenta that forms when something doesn't attach right in the first few days of pregnancy. I just had to take it easy for a while and everything would be fine! I had my miracle....
The rest of the pregnancy went text-book great, although after the scare I found it really hard to connect, to bond. People would tell me congratulations and I would say thanks all the while thinking "but we'll see what happens" in my head. It wasn't until almost mid way through the pregnancy that I was listening to the radio and the song "Halo" by Beyonce (I know it's cheesy but I'm being serious here) came on, and I listened to every word of the song. It was the first time I had heard it, and while I'm well aware this song isn't about babies or anything like that, it just made sense to me. As I was hearing the words it was like God was telling me to let go and really love this child with all of my heart and not just the part that was comfortable with it. And so I did...
The day she was born was a day of excitement and anticipation. We went into the hospital where I was going to be induced, but I was already 4cm and having regular contractions so it really didn't take a lot to really get things going. I labored hard for a few hours, then at about 6cm requested an epidural. The epidural came when I was about 9cm. No it didn't take that long, that's just how fast my labors are. I literally got it, laid down, and felt that it was time to push. And so I did....twice....and there she was, placed on my belly and into my arms. My little survivor, my angel, my Kali.
Halo -Beyonce...
Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound
I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now
It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
I can feel your halo halo halo
I can see your halo halo halo
Hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You're the only one that I want
Think I'm addicted to your light
I swore I'd never fall again
But this don't even feel like falling
Gravity can't forget
To pull me back to the ground again
Feels like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
The risk that I'm takin'
I'm never gonna shut you out
Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace
You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won't fade away
Beautiful. I am so glad that God gave you that miracle and your two little sweet girls. Its amazing how you look at your babies differently when you know they aren't so easy to come by. I am loving your blog. Keep it up.
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